Yesterday I did the most unbelievably stupid thing in the world...

I had nightmares last night about the possible ways it could have turned out.

I turned my back on Jake for a couple of minutes.

We live at the end of the drive in a row of Town homes. I was doing my major spring cleaning...shampooing carpets, throwing junk away, cleaning windows and such. I was also babysitting a friends daughter. I had just finished shampooing the carpet and the kids wanted a snack...it was gorgeous outside and the carpets needed some help drying...so I opened the front door gave the kiddos a snack and they sat together on the doorstep eating.(Now this sounds super stupid, but at the time it seemed like an OK thing to calm restless children.)

I had to wash out the nasty water out of the shampooer, the kids seemed like they were fine just eating and being good so I thought "they'll be OK" and walked into the kitchen, washed out the container and came back...Jake wasn't there...

I asked R(the little girl) where Jake was and she said "I don't know." I ran to the door and looked out, there almost at the end of the drive was Jacob about to run into the busy main road. MY heart stopped and I ran faster than I ever thought I could. I swear it felt like I was lifted up and was flying. Heart pounding, screaming "STOP JACOB!!! STOP JACOB!!!!!!!!" He ran out into the street right as I lunged for the back of his shirt. Luckily, By the the Grace of God...No cars in sight... I cried and cried as I carried my baby back to our house.

Turns out, R had wanted her Binky out of the car and I had parked it on the main street because the landscaper was blocking the drive. Jake being Jake went to go get it for his friend.

I tried to clean myself up and go on with the rest of the day, but when I laid down to go to sleep last night it came back full force. How dare I take such liberties with children. God gave me this beautiful child with the job of molding and PROTECTING it. Not too mention that my friend entrusted her child to me.Can you imagine the shame of having a clean machine and a dead child. My heart hurt so bad as I lay there holding my sleeping baby. I thought of all awful things that could have happened because of my lapse in judgement. What if he had been hit by a car? What if R had ran out and had been hit by a car? What if someone snatched him/them up? How would my heart ever heal? I prayed, in thanks and in guidance.